Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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