Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
