Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
