My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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