It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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