Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
