Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
