It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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