I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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