U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
