just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Dick very happy bro
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
