You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We had to coat check the pizza.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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