This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
