My liver just broke up with me...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
