that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This is my gift to your gina
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
