Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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