nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
