nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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