My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
