I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
