So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
two words: eviction party
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
