I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
