when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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