We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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