I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
