woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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