just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I feel like death gave me a hand job
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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