chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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