Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
