On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
