Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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