Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize