Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize