I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
