Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
