i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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