I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
