just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
