Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
