then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm getting married
To pizza
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
