just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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