I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
