you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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