i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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