so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
