How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
