I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
