I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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