Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
