but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
