Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
