she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
