Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
