im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
