He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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