Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
