you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Church boner. Awkwardddd
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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