Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
