Life is so much better after having sex.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
