My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
