you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
